After All
by Rosa17
Summary: Reflection of series one from POV of Robin and Marian.
1. Chapter 1

This is a reflection of series 1, from the POV of Marian and Robin. It more or less follows the episodes in order, but not always and for the majority of the story it is their thoughts on the night before the wedding. I wrote it back in January but thought I would share it with you.

After All by Rosa17

After all, I love her, I truly love her, as a man loves a woman, not as a boy thinks he loves a girl. And I have realised too late. I sigh, but sighing does not ease the ache within my heart. Nothing will ease the pain of heartbreak. Perhaps one day I will come to love another, but for now….all I have is memories of her, memories that have to be enough to last a lifetime. My lifetime.

I should have known…I should have known a lot of things, which I thought I did, I thought I knew it all but in the end perhaps I know nothing. No…that is not true I do know things…I know that to me she is everything and I didn't tell her. I ask myself one question I ask myself why? Why didn't I say the three simple words. I love you. When she still could hear me say it.

To be fair to me, when I first returned from the Holy land she would not have believed me and I myself was not quite prepared to admit that I did love her even then, still. I often dreamed of her, when fever wracked my mind or when I had nights were sleep eluded me. When I was on guard duty, she was there in my thoughts, of carefree days of days when I thought that Locksley would be mine forever, Marian too.

If I shut my eyes I can shut out the world of Locksley below me, the world that Gisborne has taken from my family, my heritage, everything bar my name, even it seems my woman. If I close my eyes I can see her, Marian. I'm trying not to think of her as I last saw her, at cross words with one another and I simply walked away. Did what Much suggested let her go, go to Gisborne, after all she told me herself she had set her mind on marrying the man, and I know if not better than most how stubborn she can be when her mind is set. Perhaps it is for the best, what can I offer her? A life in the forest? She is a lady….is it fair for me to expect her to live a life like that? Not that she will ever leave her father…..so no, it is better perhaps Gisborne has her. Despite everything perhaps she has a fondness for him, or perhaps it is that she can see good in everyone?

It makes me laugh now to think that day I returned there she was with a bow and arrow in her hands ready to shoot me if she thought fit. Marian was the last person I expected to see at Knighton hall when I returned, I guessed she would have gotten over me easily and snapped up by any fine fellow that happened to cross her path, but no, that wasn't so and looking back now I see why? I broke her heart, selfishly seeking glory and honour when I should have stayed for that is where the true battle is it seems.

Meeting her in the stone corridor of the castle was another surprise, I used my charms which on most women work surprisingly well, on Marian however I was sorely mistaken and not only that deep down it hurt, just a little that she could reject me that way, I did not feel then that I deserved it, now things are clearer now I am filled with remorse of wasting so much time, time……when we could have been together…..we are supposed to be together…….


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for your feedback. I hope that you will be able to distinguish between whose thoughts a particular post is, if not I will happily put their name at the top of the post.

Part Two

I know in my heart we were destined to be together, and yet as I sit here above Locksley waiting for her wedding to Guy, we are not. I knew, from the day I met I her in the corridor when she told me her father would see me that it was still there for her, the love, that she loved me but I was too cocky, a fool in that I thought a few words, a little charm would wipe away all the damage past years apart had done.

She called me a fool herself plenty of times, later telling me what she really meant was she thought I was a hero, some hero I am, I'm going to let her marry Gisborne, what kind of hero does that? A Coward? Is that what I am? She has told me a lot of things, general things when really she is referring to me, her, our relationship. That day she came to free me from the castle for instance. For words , I felt to the very core of my soul even to this day. Her speech so eloquently projected about honour, glory in the Holy Land when the people here need me or needed me more. I saw the change in her tone and facial expressions, the way she had to fight to keep her voice in control for fear it should break in front of me. And what if it had? Did she think I would think little of her? I can still feel her as the back of my fingers grazed the soft skin of her neck, reaching up to her cheek, before she slapped my hand away, and so I had to come out with some line to stop her knowing what I was really thinking, feeling. I know she was really talking about her, me, us, our relationship me choosing to go to war instead of staying with her…I made the right choice I know I did, or thought I did at that moment.

Looking back I am sure I could have done better than 'You had something on your cheek'. It doesn't matter now, nothing matters anymore. But at the same time it does. Was it only hours ago? A day? Two? Time seems like it has no meaning anymore. Yet it feels like weeks that Marian was lying in the cave, dying before my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop her slipping away from me and now in retrospect I know that I should have stayed in Locksley and nor gone to war, giving up all that I had…..for now what seems for good.

She has been so right about so many things and yet at the time…I listened but was not prepared to take what she said to my heart…..and now…now what can I do now but look back on what has been and wish I had done things differently………..


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks for reviewing and reading.

Part 3

I wipe away another stray tear, there is no point me crying over something I can not change what I do not understand is why he walked away….that is not fair…perhaps I do know after all I did tell him to grow up. I did say that it was goodbye for us and he did, he left. It was just….perhaps I expected him to fight ….for me…..but then again he has, many times before and now….now the fight has all gone.

It is not fair…life is not fair…he comes storming back into my life, wielding his way with charms that worked well when I was younger and I hate to admit still work, even now. Not that I would let on to him that they did. See even now I can't help but smile when I think of him. Irritating fool. Him that is. But he is not, is he? He is not a fool, he is the people's hero, their champion and not only theirs but mine too.

It was trouble the first time I laid eyes on him, upon his return….I knew it, but maybe did not recognise or admit it. Standing there as confident as you like wanting to speak with my father, surprised that I was there. I am pleased that it surprised him that I should still live there. What does he think, that I ran off with the first man who crossed my path? Did he not realise how in love with him I was before he left? How he broke my heart? I know he did not and for that for some reason I felt I had to punish him, hurt him with cutting remarks, like he hurt me, five years ago when he left.

After all that has passed I thought that I would get over him, that I wouldn't be moved by him, but I was wrong for he is in my heart, he is my heart, forever, no matter if I am married to Guy or not, he is the only one who can ever live or have a place there, Robin.

Even as I threw my hairclip to save his life, I knew, somewhere deep in my heart that I still loved him, not enough for me to admit it but enough to know that it had reached the surface from the depths of my being. An act which was perhaps foolish on my part but what choice was there? He had made his as he delegated himself through his actions …an outlaw…forced to live a life in the woods. He chose to be the people's hero……..but did he choose to be my hero too, or was that fate?……….


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks for your feedback, what I tried to do was have them reflect the time since he had been back during the eve of Marian's wedding. To compare their feelings you would have to take, perhaps this post with part two for example. Hope that helps.

Part Four.

Was it fate that threw us together in the first place, that propelled Much to my father's house to ask for help, to save Robin. I thought Robin…. he wasn't going to be much use to his people getting caught after only one day, but Much, Robin's dear, devoted servant came and told us how it was. Poor Much I do no think he has a lying bone in his body, only truth as he told us what had really occurred and why. It did effect me a little to know that Robin had given himself up for the benefit of others but not enough to go running off and trying to help him myself, no…..Much's parting words did that, when he had given up trying to ascertain our assistance. I could not believe that he dreamt of me in the Holy Land when surely he must have…..I do not want to think what he must have been doing with other ladies but I certainly know or think I know that he was far from innocent and pure for that length of time….but what man would be? Take Guy for example, he fathered a child of the kitchen maid and who knows there may be more little Guy's wandering about Nottinghamshire or England. I shudder at the thought, and now it seems that I may have a hand in adding more to the number of Gisborne's offspring.

Getting the jailer to leave was harder than I anticipated but eventually he left at my bidding….then everything seemed real, to get him out of there, to chastise him for being foolhardy, no matter how many tongues had been cut out or threatened to be removed. I couldn't help but utter the words which flowed from my mouth like a torrent waiting to be consumed by the working of his mind. I needed to get my thoughts and feelings off my chest, not that I feel it did much good except complicate the situation. For one I found that when I was talking about Locksley and the peasants I meant me and two I could then not bring myself to look him in the eye. What with that and trying not to weep like some young maiden who did not know any better, I feel I made…not quite a fool of myself but I was getting there.

When he touched me, when his fingers caressed my skin and I felt the tingling that I thought was long forgotten stir me in a way only he can move me….I wanted the feelings to continue…..how could I let that show? To him? To Robin? And yet I regret slapping his hand away……..I wonder now what would have happened if I had not shaken him off. Much would probably have come barging through the door and found us in a compromising situation. Now that would have given everyone something to gossip about….but no, I turned…giving myself time to compose my emotions once more before proceeding to tell him my plan…of course he felt he had a better one. Would he listen to me?

No of course he didn't. Did things his own way as usual, part of me can't believe the audacity of the kiss he blew me as he and his men left Nottingham and part of me……part of me treasured it and stored it up in my heart…to get out and replay for times like this, times when I need him but he is so far away. Perhaps we are meant to be together after all, Robin and I….but I am marrying Guy in a few short hours, I have my father to protect…so how can that possibly be?


	5. Chapter 5

Part 5

For starters, who would have believed that Marian was the Nightwatchman not I, and by the look of it not Gisborne's either, although he might have his suspicions now. I laugh but it is dry, humourless and makes me feel no better about what's going to happen in a few short hours time. Her last mission as the Nightwatchman was a disaster that led to the mess we are now in, that led to her being adamant to go ahead with the wedding and me? Me, I did what Much and Edward suggested I let her go….Stop just stop I can not think about that, it is breaking my heart. What kind of man am I ? I am weeping again, and she is not dead, but just lost to me.

Think Robin think….Anything except about what is a few hours away……The Nightwatchman….yes….stunned, surprised, amazed at her courageous foolishness and bravado too, and to think I thought she was the one who killed Joderic? She convinced me that it was not the Nightwatchman, you know at the time it did not occur to me as we spoke beneath the alcove in the outer courtyard of the castle how she could have known, that the Nightwatchman was not the culprit, of course she has always been full of fire and possesses a feisty spirit which makes her all the more attractive and beautiful to me.

Despite condoning my actions or thought that the ceremony was all about me that day at the castle she helped, she didn't have to. Why? Why did she do that? For me? Certainly not for her unless it was to prove that I was not the man I claim to be. Still……when I accidentally slipped into her room when I was evading the guards…..that was a moment….A moment to look back on and remember…the sight of Marian…… Sitting in bed with the covers held up to her chest to retain her modesty from me…ha!…..she looked so beautiful in the glow of the candlelight…I wanted to reach out and touch her. Kiss her. But there was no point she would have slapped my face in all likelihood…still I did manage to kiss her cheek…it was worth it for the expression on her face as I backed away and out of the room.

It did hurt when she accused me of not feeling…I do feel…I feel right now, pain I never wanted to feel in my life…pain induced by her saying she will go through with the fiasco of the wedding to Gisborne…Pain which is ripping through to the very core of my soul. We were so close, so close I could have reached out and ran my hand down the side of her face, but did not. She told me people still loved me? Who? Who still loved me? Did she? Did she still love me or did she love me after then? Or perhaps she never loved me at all….No that is not true I believe she did love me…as I love her.


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6

Discovering she was the one who punched me good was almost an insult, a girl, kicked me winded me and wounded my pride…still I was also impressed….her fighting skills are exceptional and put to good use….her father….well it was a good idea that she was taught to fight. It has served her well so far and likely to in the future…..well perhaps.

It was strange standing there for the first time with her, side by side, our bows pointed at Joe Lacey. Together, united in our war against injustice and truth. And how did it come about that people began to think that the Nightwatchman worked with me…for me even when she did what she had been doing for years, when I was away and in whatever way she wanted and without consultation with me either?

I knew she would not back down and stop the Nightwatchman thing when I suggested…suggested not told her that she need not do it anymore, it was wonderful to watch her face light up with irritation that I would dare criticise or order her in any way, that she is and was her own woman who would do as she saw fit and when. Which leads me back to the wedding? How? How can she possibly go through with it? I just do not get it at all.


	7. Chapter 7

Part 7

Joe…Joe Lacey….he knew before I was ready to admit it to myself…am I that transparent? No I know I am not. I know he asked because I was asking him about bow range and we were inadvertently talking about Robin. Inadvertently telling Joe that I loved Robin….I know Joe did not believe it when I denied it. Perhaps that was the true beginning of admitting my feelings to myself, not complete, I was still mad with him but the beginning nonetheless. And then as if by accident he appeared in my bedchamber that night, little knowing I lay awake thinking of him, he was bold as you please, hiding in my bed, whilst I was in it, no less. I shut my eyes thinking about that night I see his charm, his wit assurance that he can conquer the world and if not the world then Nottinghamshire. We were closer then that we had been since his return. He sat on the bed, facing me, I could have reached out and touched him, I did not. Could I have told him any plainer how I felt? No I could not, not then…and not now it seems either.

I had been lying there thinking about the fact that he never gets hurt and never shows emotions or feelings. What good could he do if he could not empathise with the people he claimed to care so much about? But like always we stopped to prove me wrong. I could feel the truth in his words as he spoke them, telling me of the concern for his men, for innocent victims and most of all his feelings for himself. Of course I did not expect any less, feeling for himself ha! It all comes back to him time and time again….him…..Robin….after all what else is there but him?

I can still feel the kiss on my cheek the jaunty carefree and cheeky expression on his face as he backed out of the room with the guards knocking ferociously on the other door. I treasured that moment, a private moment between us, making me think of all the days we had lost….lost together when he was fighting for the King. And I? I was fighting for my father.

Sighing does not ease the ache within my heart……..I cannot sleep, sleep eludes me, so I must think not of tomorrow and Guy but of the past…..and Robin. He was as stunned as Much to discover my alternative identity and as eager as any man, any hero to rid me of it. Wanting all the glory for himself no doubt…in fact I do not doubt that at all watching him open the mill once more. Seeing how he came alive when the people were grateful for his kindness, his faith in them, his loyalty to his word, his principals his duty…..Much…..I think Much was right despite wanting to be the centre of attention…..I think all Robin wants is to be loved…but is it too late? For me it seems it is.


	8. Chapter 8

Part 8

I first thought perhaps there is something after all, between Marian and I when we accidentally met up with her…….we…I…..I was with Roy and Gisborne's son, not that I knew who the father of the child was then. It however is hardly the child's fault who his father is…..There she was in broad daylight, daring as you please, trying to gain access into Clun village, by the expression on her face she was not best pleased that I should come along at that moment. She just graced me with a few looks which told me everything about how 'happy and delighted' she was to see me.

I have to say it was fun, shooting the food over into the village for the hungry people who were quarantined below, despite Roy feeling the need not to linger. I did not understand his motives that day until nightfall when he attempted to kill me. Getting shot in the arm, had not been in the plan.

Marian…beautiful, headstrong Marian…offered to help me right there with the soldiers pounding towards us on their horses…of course I declined….it was bad enough that I am an outlaw. Never one to listen to the advice of men…. or anyone I should imagine, she soon caught up with us and led us to a home on the edge of the forest.

This is when I truly began to see things as they truly were….this is when perhaps I should have apologised for my actions five years ago, but I did not. And I can not change or alter a thing that has passed.

I feel regret, I feel sadness, I feel pain, I felt a lot of things at that moment of what might have been. She makes me feel when I think all feeling has gone, she makes me look to the very corner of my soul. The pain is so real, so vivid, so close and still I sit here and think of her….of how our lives have evolved around each other…… why?….Because I can not stop, and will not stop loving her, it is and will forever be that simple.


	9. Chapter 9

Part 9

The woman assumed the baby was ours and why should she not? At that moment I wished he had been our son, but he was not. I have wasted so much time and now it is too late. I could have had it all. Locksley. Marian. Children. A home with which to share it with them. What joy I would have had to watch her hold and nurse our child, to watch her sing him a lullaby…to watch her love grow for a child we created together. To watch that child grow and in him see parts of us bloom and mature into a boy and then a man…or a woman if we had been blessed with a daughter. To share in that myself, to develop a relationship built on love and trust with my children…my wife…but no, I have not this and never will I now I suppose….Not with Marian, and if not with Marian then I do not wish to have this with anyone else. And now? Now I have nothing….except memories.

She was cutting and rebuking as she ordered me to strip off my shirt and then I could not miss the look of surprise, horror which flashed across her face as my ugly and unseemly scar was evident for her to see. Now we both bear the physical scars of Gisborne, strange that…we have that in common…Marian and I.

I recall the moment was mixed with regret and pain and yet I had to push her, ask her why she had not married. She was, as I expected evasive and cutting in her remarks. It was a poignant moment when she took the needle and thread to stitch me up….a moment I reflected in the cave, a moment I would not wish did not happen, for it made me look closer at her, at things which separated us and made us walk along different paths but with and for the same goal.

One thing was for sure about that time we spent alone in the cottage, not strictly alone as the infant was there but away from Roy and everyone else. I thought perhaps she had forgiven me…but she seemed icy, and intent on hurting me, she was none too gentle as she stitched up my wound, pleased it seemed when she physically hurt me as if that would pay me back perhaps for the hurt I had caused her. I do not know if I can ever make up for that time lost…for harsh words spoken in anger before I left for the Holy Land. For words we both said but did not mean. For me thinking that all that mattered was the glory and honour of war, and she young as she was even then, knew that I would not find it on a battlefield. She urged me not to go….Did I listen?….No and now I am paying for it, in a way I never thought I would have to endure.

Still we fought that day…for reasons which even to this day are not truly clear, except perhaps it was Marian protecting herself from me, hurting her once more or perhaps seeing the baby and holding him in her arms made her wish that he was ours too. I only know that I regret some of the words that left my mouth before my mind had time to process them. Insensitive, cad, fool are a few words which come to mind to describe myself.

I did not see her then, until that day in the forest, she sat upon her horse proud. Her back straight, her hair short. Now I never did really find out what happened there. She said it was inconvenient but I feel that there was more to it than that. And still….even then we were going in different directions even as we are now………


	10. Chapter 10

Part 10

Robin….is the most infuriating man I have ever met, his confidence and arrogance surrounds and oozes from every pore of his being, but still….after all, after everything….I still love him. I love him and I have never told him…and now he is slipping away from me, like ground flour through my fingers.

The first time I saw him hurt was a Clun village. I could easily have managed the soldiers without his assistance but he gave it without asking if it was required, which was the first thing that irked me that day and then left me holding the baby, while he and Roy shot food over the wall, firing his arrows like a small boy trying to reach his target. When he was hit, when the arrow pierced his flesh, I felt the first dagger nick into my heart. I wanted more than anything to be there for him, to be the one who helped him. He the stubborn fool told me to go…that consorting with him was a hanging offence….perhaps he was right….no he was right. After all I was punished for my activities at Clun, humiliated by the Sheriff in front of the people of Nottingham and yet I would still do it all over again…to fight for what I believe in, the truth. That moment when I stood in the scaffolding, dressed in a coarse robe which made my skin itch and burn, feeling my hair be cut off... severed from my head. I promised myself I would not cry. Still I felt the tears well up in my eyes but did not let them fall, not until I lay alone in my bed that night…then I wept. It not do any good...it did not change anything…. But I would do it all again.


	11. Chapter 11

Part 11

The day I held the baby, Guy's baby…..part of me wished he was mine, my child…not with Guy…I can hardly bear for him to touch me and yet tomorrow he will be my husband and it will be his right. I will have to summon some deep inner strength to survive my marriage….But if I had had a child with Robin, if the baby had been ours, the smell of the boy filling my senses, made me regret all we did not have…all I did not have….with the one man I wanted to have it all with……I can not help thinking about if he had stayed and yet I know now that he had to go away if only to find himself….I am not the young immature sixteen year old I was when he left who thought only of love and romance…now the world in which I live is full of evil and hatred, people are hunted like animals, punished for measly crimes that deem no more than a spell in the stocks…Stop it Marian…you are beginning to sound like Robin now, and yet I cannot help it. He is ingrained in my very soul for eternity.

His scar…that day I saw his scar, inflicted on him by Guy or so he claims and yet I am not sure, even now. It was an ugly scar and even as I think of it now I wish perhaps I had been there for him when he was unwell…but I was not. I was there however to stitch up his wound. He was irritating but at the same time endearing…pushing me, making me say things which perhaps would have been better left unsaid. It did not help he asked why I was still unmarried…I would have thought he would have figured it out that there was not anyone else to marry, or anyone I would marry and now …now when I would marry him I have to marry someone else…a man I do not love. I have to accept my fate and marry Guy. Robin even had the audacity to ask me to kiss him better. Kiss him better? I did not want to kiss him better I wanted, I needed to punish him, hurt him, still I needed him to know how he hurt me…and so with ungentle stitching with criticising words I did just that and we parted in anger…and I feel remorse for that day. I could have been there for him, so much better than I was.

I wish…He said to me that he wished there were more emergencies and that he thought I was bold and wonderful and his words touched my heart, despite me not wanting them to, but I wanted there to be more times…more excuses to see him too. Even after the Sheriff cut off my hair I knew that I would have to continue to consort with Robin Hood, not only for the sake of the people….but for my sake…my sanity in this crazy world too.


	12. Chapter 12

Part 12

It was not pleasing to see her in Gisborne's carriage as she made her way to Nottingham to the silver arrow festival. The arrow that I wanted to win, the arrow that I in fact did win, for Rowan son of Dunne at Marian's request. I disappointed her that day…she needed me ….I failed her….I was not there…but as far as I could tell she handled the situation with the same way she deals with most things, thoroughly, clearly, bravely, calmly with contempt for just me turning up too late to help her.

I laugh to myself, it is a bitter laugh filled with remorse that I can not change which has gone on before no matter how I wish that could be. I am even feeling bad for upsetting Much. I should not have sent him away with such cruel words. I should have thought about what I was saying…One day he will know though that he is better off without me by his side….one day……Perhaps Marian knows she will be better off without me too. What can I offer her? What do I have? Not my lands? ….Perhaps the only thing that I posses, is her heart…but if that was so….she would not be marrying a man she does not love….a man I despise, I hate with avengeance…a man who has taken away everything I had in the palm of my hand……Will I ever find love again? Will I ever see Marian smiling at me, for me, again? I think I know the answer…I think the answer is no…but still I sit here above Locksley,,,,just in case….just a chance she changes her mind…………Familiar words come back to haunt me….Marian I love you….I did not say, but I love you……


	13. Chapter 13

Part 13

Just when I needed him he was not there…the man…no the boy pointed his arrow at my heart and where was Robin when I needed him? He was there too late to be of any use to me but did as I bid when I asked him to make sure the boy won the arrow…..I remember looking at him with contempt in the corridor and he knew it he saw how I felt….I saw the pain, the hurt reflected in his eyes…..he hurts more than I gave him credit for…he feels a lot, especially for me it seems….as I feel for him in a way that Guy will never have the same privileged place in my heart.

My heart was in my throat as the Sheriff and Guy realised Robin fired the arrow….I prayed then that he would get away….and he did….and that was all that mattered, that and Rowan winning the arrow.

I do not want to marry Guy in the morning I really do not but what other choice is there?….None….I have made my choice and now I have to live with it. We…Robin and I both have to live with it. I need to move, I wince as I shift my position I am still sore but what can I expect….I think I almost died….some would say I am lucky to be alive and others would say perhaps I should have died then I would not have to meet my doom….my doom of marrying a man I do not love…..when my heart belongs to another……..


	14. Chapter 14

Part 14

I did not see Marian for a while, then we, the gang were in the middle of a plan to rid the Sheriff of his money once again. I plan which well….let me just recall that it did not go well for the Sheriff and for one moment I thought it would not go well for us either. We spotted Marian as she rode into Nottingham, I caught her eye and she distracted the guards for us. Then…..then she and I talked…actually she talked……. I listened.

She explained how she hated how her life was, her restrictions…I wanted to help…I did not have time right at that moment…she was upset…not just with me…with men in general and her life…I think perhaps she had fallen out with her father. Gisborne too had been inundating her with gifts. I understand that she has to be her own person not someone that Edward or Gisborne think they can make her. Although to be fair to Edward I think he knows he cannot change her and does not want to…not now…perhaps then…I know he is proud of his daughter I know he loves her as a father loves his child….I wonder what my father would think of me now?

Would he be disappointed that the lands are not still mine? I think he would want to fight for what I believe in…in my heart my title and the lands are mine, in my soul they are mine…until I die. But at the same time perhaps it is time to let them go….along with Marian…at least Locksley will have one deserving person living on it's soil…..Marian. I know she will do the best she can for my people and perhaps that is why I am letting her go?….I just do not know anything anymore.


	15. Chapter 15

Part 15

I suppose I should have known…that my father would not approve of my Nightwatchman activities to start with…that he would give me an ultimatum. They were a bad few days…there was that and then there was Gisborne showering me with gifts and visits I did not need…or want…marrying Gisborne was the last thing on my list of possible life choices…with the exception of marrying the Sheriff…that idea was and still is inconceivable….Any yet tomorrow my fate is set….tomorrow I must marry Guy.

All the men in my life seemed to know what was best for me…in their humble opinions….although…Robin was not quite as judgemental as my father or Guy…perhaps he knew me, even then, better that I believed him to…he listened when I asked him to, even though he did not really have time. His precious 'men' needed him…well I need him to…there I admitted it. I need Robin Hood…Not that it has done any good…I can not have him…I have doomed myself and am marrying Guy.

Robin….he listened that day…he said he wanted to help…that we could talk later…but it was too late my mind was set. If I think hard enough I can still recall the way he took my hand in his and squeezed gently, to reassure me ….I was not ready to listen to him…I was hurt…angry and I rebuked even him for telling me what was dangerous…I think now he knows better…until the other day…but it was too late then Guy had already stabbed me.

I know Robin knows who I am, what I want to be, who I need to be and that still I am not fulfilling that role…he understands me…I think...I know he even loves me and I am giving him up…for Guy. It doesn't seem right and it is certainly not fair. But who said life was fair? I saw the desperate look in his eye the day at the castle…perhaps we knew it was too late even then?

No, no that was before all the other business which led me into trouble with Guy…with the Sheriff and that is why I am marrying a man I do not love…giving up, forsaking... the one I do…….. 


	16. Chapter 16

Part 16

……I know that I love it, when she looks at me when I have riled her up…like she did when I stopped her riding through the forest after she received that gift from Gisborne. Now I wish I had not taken it back for Elveri…now I wish I had let that gift lie….I was jealous….I am still jealous…every time she mentioned his name….an uncontrollable jealous streak raged up within me and consumed my soul…..my very being. But if I had not taken the necklace she would not have betrayed Gisborne and he would not have forced her to marry him, or become engaged to him at any rate….they are not married yet….it will not be long…but it has not happened yet.

There were times I can recall where we would flirt…when I would try and kiss her but she resisted….not in the same way as when I first returned, later when she pulled away from my advances I knew…I could feel that given another split second she would have let me kiss her….I wanted to kiss her…If I shut my eyes I can imagine kissing her, feeling her soft lips beneath mine…it has been so long since I kissed her….too long and there is no point wishing for something that I can now, not have.

I still feel as though I let Alan down, Tom down, and yet what could I have done? The Sheriff was right. I think the look on our faces when we realised that Tom was already dead would have been a picture, a sad picture indeed. I had mixed feelings as to whether or not we should have rescued them, confiding in the one person who not only who could give me inside information but with the one person with whom I would share all my innermost thoughts, fears, ideas…even now. She did as I asked, she went to try and ascertain more information, but could not find anything. We met the second time in the stillness of the forest……I wish …I wish I could have kissed her then, to feel her lips on mine…but did not…there were more pressing matters to contend with. Tom and his two companions…I know I chose the right thing…to try and rescue them…I am not infallible it seems…we failed them…I failed them…more importantly I failed Alan that day and perhaps Marian too…that was the day that changed my life forever……


	17. Chapter 17

Thanks for all your reviews. I don't know how I got inside their minds really, I guess I tried to put myself in their positions.

Part 17

Indeed, it cut me to the core to hear the words she shared with Gisborne, words which I know she said to keep herself alive, to protect her father, words which cut my heart like a knife piercing my soul. I almost could not bear to stand outside her bedroom window and yet I could not move and give not only myself away but Marian too. I blink back the tears, fresh ones that threaten to spill over my eyes and down my face as they did that day too.

That day, that moment changed a lot of things for me. It made me realise how I really felt….how I had always felt….how I had always loved her… I vowed to myself that she would not marry Gisborne that there had to be a way out of it……after all she had given herself time….time until the King returned... for me…for her …for us to do something to get her out of the predicament she was now in, she is now in….. and now…now it seems there is no way out…now it seems she will marry him…..after all. 


	18. Chapter 18

First part of the Marian pov for this episode, there is another part to this.

Part 18

I often wonder, if Robin had not taken the necklace that day…… if I might not have to marry Gisborne tomorrow….or today….it is past midnight and still sleep eludes me. If I had as he suggested taken it, kept it, then none of this would have happened. But I did not, things did not happen that way. It did not help that Robin's new recruits tried to steal from my father's house…that only complicated everything. My father, my father….. told me that he never knew, that my training to fight had been so…well he told me I was wonderful….I felt closer to him then, than I had for a long time.

Looking back I wished that I had let Robin kiss me that day he came to talk about 'his men' who were as it happened not his men, but he had a loyalty to them. I tried to help. I went to the castle but I found nothing which would be of use to him or his men. I am still sickened to the heart to think of those three men who were hung that day, and the reasons the Sheriff had for hanging them earlier than he announced he would. If only I had managed to find that out….then they would still be alive today….Robin would have saved them…but they are not.

I told him I thought he was a good man when perhaps I should have told him that I loved him, then…perhaps things would be different now…but they are not.


	19. Chapter 19

Part 19

They are the paths we have chosen…or perhaps I have chosen, did I give Robin much of a choice? Did Guy give me much of a choice?…..No. I had no choice but to agree to be his wife, despite everything that Robin did for me that day. For finding the necklace and then having to listen to Guy propose, not a proposal a girl….or woman envisions, but it was one nonetheless and one I could not refuse, for my life or my fathers.

It hurt, to say I would marry him while I knew that Robin was hurting far more by having to listen to me say the words, words that I did not mean. That I despised him….how could I despise him? I love him. I love Robin Hood. Not like everyone else loves him but as a woman loves a man. I love him completely. I tried to make amends I apologised, softly to him as I closed the shutter and his face…I will never forget the expression on his face, it was of defeat, I had crushed him….I had broken his heart…but I had not meant it and deep down he knew that. And regardless of that day that dreadful day….one thing came out of it with my relationship with Robin, we drew closer. I drew closer to him, emotionally…my heart was captured by his…not as if it had ever left his own…but by my agreeing to marry Guy, my heart became Robin's forever.


	20. Chapter 20

Thank you for reading and reviewing.

Part 20

I thought the day we gate crashed Gisborne's party would be one of fun, a laugh, a joke…it was a joke that he wanted to toast the King's birthday and more so after I discovered the truth, the truth that he had tried to kill the King, that he had wounded me, a wound which ironically had brought me back to England, to Nottinghamshire; home. All I could think about that day was revenge ….on Guy…nothing else….nothing else mattered except that the attempted regicide of the King be revenged….I think the gang thought I was mad, had lost my good sense and in a way I had, I was compelled to seek what I thought, what I felt was right.

Marian….Much fetched Marian. I think he sometimes knows me better than I know myself. He knew that she would somehow stop me…that her presence there would somehow calm me and I hate to admit it but it did. Even though I would have stood and fought Gisborne to the end, if either of us had had the strength after our fight…..before she came.

I accused her of things I did not mean while she tried to reason with me…I did not want to listen and she knew that and did not give up the fight of her own. I sometimes wonder if she does indeed have some sort of feelings for him she is going to marry him after all.

I felt jealous and not for the first time of her relationship with Gisborne, that she would stand up for him and try to persuade me not to kill him…in fact if I recall she actually forbade me to do so…I would not listen to her. And then she took my side over John's…women, I do not understand them and nor do I want to except perhaps Marian. I thought I did understand her…perhaps I do…She does not agree with hanging no matter who the victim is and yet she fights the same fight as I do. Or she did, how can she now if she is to be Gisborne's wife?

I am jealous I am jealous of a man I could have killed but did not. Jealous of the time Marian has spent in his company when she could have been…should have been with me…Jealous and incensed that he will have not only my lands but my woman as well…is that why I am sitting here waiting? For I have nothing left….I could walk away now. But I cannot, the pull she has on me is too strong…I can not leave until I know for sure that she really is to become his wife…I have nothing better to do….. after all.


	21. Chapter 21

Thank you for your support Marian66.

Part 21

I felt awkward going to Robin's house for my 'engagement' party to Guy. And I will feel awkward living there as his wife….it was never meant to be…even as a child I was supposed to be the mistress there yes….but as Robin's wife…not Guy's. It did not surprise me when Robin turned up at the affair and claimed all the money and wealth of the guests including my new ring. What did surprise me was that something about Guy, shocked and stunned Robin, in so far as he looked as if he was in a trance.

Finding they had fought in the forest was about as much as I expected, to find Robin unreasonable was not. I do not love Guy…but I can not , do not like to see anyone one killed without fair trial and what Robin wanted was not right…I could never agree to it. Perhaps I do like him…Guy…no I think underneath it all he does have a vulnerability that does not show…that he cannot show to others, perhaps that is why I feel I can be his wife….that and the need to protect my father. I can not and will not let anything happen to him and that is why I must marry Guy.

I think Robin put some doubts in my mind about Guy that day…doubts of whether Guy was truly ill as he claimed to be….perhaps Robin is right…perhaps he did try to kill the King when Robin in the Holy Land…But Guy….Guy gave me his word that he did not, and I hope that my trust in him is not to be betrayed. On the other hand why would Robin lie to me either?…It is true that we do not always speak the truth to each other but that is on a personal level, and it is not actually lying as such….just skirting around the truth. So why would Robin lie to me? I do not think he would….I am so confused but now Pitts is dead what choice do I have? I let Robin walk away…so what more can I expect than to become Guy's wife?


	22. Chapter 22

Thanks. I am sure you will cope with 'Return of the King', Marian66, just have a hanky ready. I will be away for the next six to seven days but will continue to update when I return.

Part 22

I was jealous of Gisborne next time I met with Marian….all that wasted time resenting, feeling envy, feeling sick that it was he, not I in her company and we shared harsh words...or I did and she of course retaliated back….I regret that…I can not change that now…but I am sorry. She accused me of seeking glory again…and that….that hurt. She told me of the plan she had help Guy concoct and how I could intercept them on the way to the abbey, leaving me little choice than to agree.

Yet when…when she came into the forest everything changed….he betrayed her…he went along with Sheriff and I would not have expected anything less…but Marian did and I know a part of her trust in Gisborne died that day. To take her in my arms…to hold her in my embrace was a moment that will stay with me forever…after all I do not have many moments like that to dredge up and hold onto, to cherish and relive. It was a sad moment for grieving Lambert but it was a special moment between us and the change in our relationship…she did not go to Gisborne for comfort and consoling….no she came to me.

And I held her as she wept, her soft hair beneath my fingers her frame secure in my arms, her head on my chest, nestled in and I wish I could hold her like that again…but now I will never see her again.

I recall as we pulled away…she let me kiss her forehead and then I offered her my hand as I said we would have to tell the gang. The feel of her hand laced together with mine was something I had not experienced since before the Holy Land. And brought back so many memories of times before, when we were carefree and knew not of what our future held, except the knowledge that it held each other….it was inconceivable then, that our lives might have ended up as they have now….after all we were younger then, the cruelties of life had not touched us to the same extent. Except to lose people we loved, people who were close to us…Marian's mother, both my parents….but apart from that, the pair of us had barely known was living was for…..we were younger then…after all…….


	23. Chapter 23

Marian66 feel free to write something like this for season 2. I will look out for it. Okay a little bit more.

Part 23

He was jealous I could see it in his eyes, in his voice as he teased, me about Guy, we lashed out at each other hardly meaning what we said and parted at cross words….words which I wish I had never said….and yet when I went to the forest to tell him Lambert was dead, that it was too late….that Guy went along with the Sheriff after all…..Robin was there….for me.

Just for me…. as his arms enveloped me in his embrace I felt safe…I felt loved….but more than that I felt home. He let me grieve in a way I would never have been able to do with anyone else…he knows me far better than anyone else and yet I am letting him go…I have let him go. But to remember that moment to store it up in my heart for times when things get too much is what I have to now do. He kissed me as we parted, on my forehead, his warm lips caressing my skin and I wished the moment had lasted forever.

I was still shaken, he took my hand, our fingers entwined…as one…I felt closer to him then than I had in a very long time. Since perhaps before he went to war, when days were carefree and I knew how my life was supposed to pan out….how wrong can you be? How can things change to become so vastly different from innocent childhood dreams? How can I not have the man I love? How can the world we live be so evil?….I only know I must accept my fate….after all, that is all that is left……..


	24. Chapter 24

Marian66 I would keep the tissues handy just in case you need them every time.

Part 24

It seems I cannot help feeling jealous of Gisborne at every opportunity. _He_. He who bought Marian expensive gifts, and a horse no less, not just any horse, a fine pedigree of a horse that she clearly adored. Marian suggested I only sought her out when I wanted a favour! True, it often must have looked that way, speaking to her when I needed inside information at the castle, but it was not that alone. It was to be in her company, even if we were often at cross words with each other. I see now that it was our frustrations of the situations life had put us in. Still she helped me as I knew she would. I wonder if I stay, which I can not…whether she would still help me, once she is married to Gisborne….her loyalties will change then surely…..after all….. I am an outlaw.


	25. Chapter 25

Thanks for your replies. Sorry that these last two posts were short they do get longer especially for Return of the King and A clue-No.

Part 25

Guy was and is…always showering me with gifts, often expensive, such as the horse, and I? I accused Robin of never bringing me a gift. I was not looking for a material gift, he could have brought some wild flowers from the hedgerows, that would have been more than enough to show he cared. But he brought me nothing and to think that up until a day or so ago I thought that he never gave gifts at all….or course now I know different….he saved my life on more than one occasion and more than that I know…he gave me the most precious gift of all…..his heart.


	26. Chapter 26

Part 26

The plan was to get into the castle, rescue John and then get out of there as fast as possible, but like most plans, even good ones that was not the case. Will ended up tied to a tree in the courtyard and I ended up providing a portage service to Gisborne for Marian's portmanteau, which even if I do say so myself worked in my favour, in more ways than one. Firstly I got to see and speak with Marian, and secondly from the information she provided me with I was able to conjure a plan, to not only release John, but Alice Little, Little little John, Luke and the rest of the prisoners also, along with the taxes which were due to go down to London.

Marian and I sat and talked when Gisborne had taken his leave, we talked of Luke of Locksley….but most importantly we talked about us. Not directly of course we never spoke directly until the cave. But, jealously of Gisborne aside, it was a good conversation. I felt closer to her than I had for a while. I meant it when I told her that I don not give up on anyone, I meant her too. But now? What is there left for me?……Not Marian, she is not mine, not now….after all…………


	27. Chapter 27

Part 27

I was delighted to see Robin and surprised when he came in with Guy with my belongings, I could scarce wait to speak with him on my own. So much so Guy noticed that something about my manner had changed. I cringe even now when I think of him trying to hold me, kiss me. It was certainly not the time and never will be….no it will be…today I am getting married to him…so after that, it will be the time for him to do as he wishes and I will have to bear it, like a good loyal wife… I think marriage to Guy is going to be harder than I have anticipated.

Robin, let me go back and think of Robin. His words cheered my very soul as he echoed what Guy said just before he left and I did not, and could not send Robin away, we saw too little of each other as it was, and to see him in the castle, sitting right by my side was a delight. To hear him as we discussed why he was there and his purpose for his brave but dangerous quest.

He told me that he never gives up on anyone, he meant me. I told him I thought perhaps it was too late. And if it was not too late then, it is now. He walked away and now I am here, alone to face my fate…my life alone without him. Where he should be? By my side, but I am alone……….. after all.


	28. Chapter 28

Okay Marian66 get you hanky out, you might need it.

Part 28

I knew as soon as Will came to the cave that something had happened. It was what he did not say as he got his breath back. And when he imparted the news of the return of the King I knew that time was running out, running out for me to find a way out for Marian. I thought I had it all planned, I thought it would all be alright, but as I sit here above Locksley, it so obviously is not.

It was not enough to find Pitts and put him an awkward position to which he would do as I asked. I should have thought more clearly, I should have realised that he and Gisborne would have a plan in place….all I could think about was Marian…and my heart. Marian, we fought as usual about Gisborne and it was not the last time our words crossed on the subject. I feel I almost pushed her into that fateful mission, whereupon she took it upon herself to rid Gisborne of his fortune…If I had not pressed her, taunted her, angered her…things might now be different. Pitts might be alive for one thing and Marian would not have been wounded. We would not be in the situation we are in now. But I provoked her and what did she do? She went to Locksley.

I thought it might have been too late by the time we arrived at my home…but it seemed we arrived just in time, or so I thought before he stabbed her. I did not even realise that….. I thought it was just a punch. She hid it well, I will give her credit for that. When I thought we were safe I told her, about Pitts. That was a special moment in my heart, she was grateful but it was more than that, more than words can convey…..it was from my heart to hers.

How did I know how ironic my words were to be? That the Nightwatchman's activities would be the death of her…the pain…I have never been in such pain as when I thought she had died, even my wound at Acre did not compare to that….to this. I have known loss, my mother died when I was a young child, my father before I was a man…but neither hurt as much as the thought I had lost her.

To feel her as she lay in my embrace, in the forest…the pounding in my heart reached my ears and I could not tell which was thunder or the beating of my being. I do not know how I carried her so far, but I did, drawn on by the knowledge that Djaq could help her……. make her whole again.


	29. Chapter 29

Part 29

I thought perhaps to lighten the moment…. to share with her as if we were alone, the words she uttered when she stitched me up after the incident at Clun, she remembered, she replied as I had done that day. It meant a lot, the knowledge, in that split second, that she, held in her heart the day at Clun as much as I did.

I can still feel her hand tighten around mine as the needle pierced her body, even that brought tears to my eyes. Fresh tears, I was already full from seeing her in pain, hurt, by the hand of Gisborne. It made me feel sick. I could barely stand by and watch….yet how could I not? How could I leave her when she needed me so badly?

Perhaps it was grief, perhaps it was fear but still I lashed out at her with words I did not mean, words which left her shouting after me, words which left her in more than physical pain. When I had calmed down and retuned to the cave she was sleeping fitfully. I sat down on the jutting out rock. I had to be by her side, no matter what our last words had been. I needed to feel her close to me….but more than that I needed her to survive.

I thought letting her sleep would facilitate her recovery….she needed to be well…I needed her to be well….I could not live without her….or so I thought…here I am sitting above my home….alone…after all.. It was only when Djaq told me I could not let Marian sleep that I knew the damage was far more serious than any of us had first imagined.

My heart constricted in pain, to think that I might actually lose her…forever, that she might die….that she was dying, with the knowledge that the only person who could save her was Djaq. Marian made me listen while she spoke of things which had been unsaid between us…things which I did not want to face…things which tore my heart strings, which bore into my soul. To know that I could be losing her, that she could die….in my mind my former words of not many hours since….haunted my soul…that the Nightwatchman's actions might be the very reason she would die.

Marian forced me to listen, her words penetrating my muddled brain, my arms wanted to embrace her and never let her go. I knew I had to tell her that to go to the Holy Land had been the biggest mistake of my life…that leaving her had perhaps been my downfall, that without her I was nothing. I held her hand in mine and heard the words which I needed to hear…the words that she forgave me for leaving her and running off to a quest thousands of miles away…..I wanted to say so much more, but there was not time. Instead I felt her soft palm caress my neck in one final touch before she became almost unconscious from the pain of the most primitive surgery and I felt the agony….holding her down as Djaq did what she needed to do. The tears held in my eyes…I did not let them fall not in front of Djaq….I could not and would not cry…not just then.

I felt my life crumble before me when Djaq said she was sorry, sorry Marian was dead. Even getting Pitts and putting not just my own but everyone's else's life at risk had not been enough to save her. To save the woman I loved. The words in my heart went unspoken for too long…now perhaps forever, as I told her I loved her…but she could not hear me…she was and had been announced dead and I think I died a little too…. what was there left for me without her, after all?…………..


	30. Chapter 30

Thank you for your replies, I am sorry to make you cry, if I were you I would keep the hankies close by for the next couple of posts.

Part 30

I was anything but happy to learn that King Richard was returning to England and stopping off at Nottingham. Guy's wealth, amused me even less and Robin picked a fight with me about the very thing we can not change. I had decided my mind was made up, even before Robin spoke to me and said that I should be stealing from the man to whom I am betrothed and giving it to people more needy than myself, and not acquiring wealth for my own purposes. I do not like people especially men telling me what I ought to and not be doing…and yet I feel I will have an upward struggle on this when Lady Gisborne.

I had a plan, I always have a plan…not that they always work…this occasion was one…..I was thankful when Robin and the gang showed up and I felt the blow of the words Guy uttered to Robin, as if they were punches to the gut, but Robin did not waver. Everything was clear in my mind until Guy stabbed me. I felt the pain, it was sharp, I saw the dagger just before it met it's target…my mind ….my body did not have time to react to move out of the way. I remember….I remember Robin, his arm came about my body and instinct took over as I found the will and energy, strength I needed to escape with him. The thrill of the mission still pumping through my veins.

Robin went on slightly ahead, I could not keep up, the pain in my stomach was intensifying and each step was through a pain filled haze……We paused when it was safe to do so and Robin told me that I need not marry Guy….Relief flooded through me….. I did not know how to thank him…his gift then was far greater than Guy's horse had been. Robin had been right about the horse….I did not get to keep it when the plans at Nottingham failed.

I felt his hand caress my cheek, his thumb, coarse against the smooth skin of my face and even though the pain threatened to overwhelm me, the love in his eyes bore through to my heart…I swear it was love I saw that day in the forest…I know it was love.

I felt myself slipping before I had even fell…heard the terrified anguish in his voice…protested wildly that he did not have to carry me…but soon realised that he must. Djaq seemed to know what she was doing as she prodded and poked at me….it is all a bit of a blur…I do not recall everything that happened in the cave…I do remember Robin and I echoing the words the other said the day he met me at Clun…in the cottage by the forest…the day with the baby….Guy's baby.

I know we fought later…..fought about my heroic attempts as the Nightwatchman and of Guy….I knew he was jealous of Guy….but I had no idea it went that deep and was that painful to him….until then. And I recall the feel of his hands running through my hair, stroking, reassuring…that was a moment to treasure he teased me gently about being a nuisance and that I should be at home doing embroidery…until Much came along and his words sent a shiver down my spine.

It was almost as if my life flashed before my eyes….to know from Djaq's words that in all honesty I would probably die…I noticed Robin moved away, his face partly concealed within the shadows of the cave…but I knew…. I could feel his pain…..anguish, because I could feel it too in my own heart. We talked then…he did not want to…perhaps did not want to hear me say the things I said….his face was vivid with emotion…never before had I seen him like that…he was almost desperate in his apology of going off to war and I knew then that I had forgiven him and I had to tell him so….so both our hearts were safe in the knowledge and acceptance of our love…except we never got to say those three little words to each other…and now we never will……..after all


	31. Chapter 31

Sorry I didn't warn you last time about the tissues. Not making that mistake again this time I urge you to perhaps reach for them again.

Part 31

We were surrounded and yet all I could think of was her, she still felt warm as I wept onto her body…wept for everything I had just lost….I had lost my life for without Marian I was dead……Time….Time had no meaning and it was awhile before Djaq's words infiltrated my mind….what were we going to do? We were surrounded by the Sheriff, Gisborne and their men…what were we going to do? There at that moment, seemed no way out. And I did not want there to be….if Marian was dead…then I might as well die too and what better way that to wreak revenge on the very people who caused Marian to die…the very man…._Sir _Guy of Gisborne.

The fight was and is, a blank in my mind…I can not remember much…I know I killed…I can not say how many….I can not say how long we fought for or, if I was really aware that my men were fighting with me…all I knew….all I wanted was to stop the feeling's that Marian's death had roused in my very soul. Then…….then it was over…it did not seem to matter that Will and Alan had almost left to go to where was it? Scarborough? I think it was there….nothing mattered….if Marian was dead…I was dead…inside….what was the point of anything anymore?…Without her.

My voice sounded flat, emotionless even to my ears when I told them that Marian was dead…the feelings did not come back until we were encased in the cave once more…when I saw her lying there…so still…so pale….I felt the tears well up from deep inside myself and knew that this time I could not hide it from my men, that they would flow anyway…I struggled to stay in control…to instruct John, Djaq, Will to do things to prepare for her journey back to Knighton…How was I going to be able to face Edward?…To tell him what happened to his beloved, precious daughter.

John suggested we say goodbye…it was the first time I admitted to anyone bar myself that I loved her…it turned out they all knew anyway….I was puzzled at Alan's comment that Marian was breathing…surely that could not be…but he was right…she was. I can not forget how beautiful she looked as her eyes opened….she recognised me and spoke…how my heart overflowed with joy….with love as I cradled her face in my hands…eager to touch her….tears of delight filling my eyes and my heart as I told her how glad I was she was back…..

The remainder of the day went down hill from there, from hiding in her bedchamber whilst Gisborne visited, to Edward telling me I must let her go if I could not prevent her marriage to Gisborne…..I am so fed up of doing the right thing….even now….even now I want to do what I want…not what is right….and how can it be right that she marries him?….She is mine…not because I own her….but because I love her…she is my heart.

I wonder now whether that last visit to see Marian had been a good move on my part…she was burning her Nightwatchman outfit and I knew before I asked that she had made her choice….that her choice did not include me…..we had harsh words and that is not unusual…..she had made her choice…to marry Gisborne and I could not stand in her way…the fight had gone from me…all of it, that morning in the forest and I have no fight…no will to fight in me…After all what is left for me?

Much, I can not forget Much…how he tried to reason with me…how he longs for his land at Bonchurch and perhaps now will get it….I for one do not care for my land ….if I do not have Marian to share it with…then what is the point?….Much was right, I know I said Gisborne had everything that was mine and we talked of Locksley but he knew I meant Marian…He knows me better that I gave him credit for…and what did I do to him?….I said words I did not mean….words which I knew would send him away….words which did.

It is better that he is gone….I am no fit company for anyone…it is better I take my leave and perhaps go back to the Holy Land….to fight….to die….die in battle and who will care? Who will remember? It does not matter…not now not anymore….

Marian accused me of not being able to feel….well I am feeling now and if feeling, hurts like this, I do not want to feel anymore. I want to be dead inside, she is gone to me, dead to me, but still she lives, will live not only in Locksley, but also in my heart…after all she never really left there in the first place….when it comes down to it….despite everything….I love her….after all.


	32. Chapter 32

Thank you all. Marian66 I have written another two short pieces and a series of seven stories for Robin Hood also. Perhaps I could post the, here.

Part 32

'…….We should be together….' his words echo through my head but how can that be? How can we be together now? I let him go…and for that I will always be sorry. I remember….I remember his expression as he told me he was glad I was back? But where had I gone? I remember floating away….I heard my mother call my name…I had not seen her for so long…in fact I scarce recall her at all, except I know the woman I saw was my mother, instinct perhaps…she told me it was not my time to be with her and she sent me back……

Seeing Robin above my bed when Guy came to visit me reminded me of the day at the castle when Robin stood behind Guy…it was almost as though it was a metaphorical moment where whenever or whatever Guy was or doing, Robin was always there almost looking over his shoulder at what should have been his…That would be me? Am I his? And I Robin's even though I am to be married to Guy?

I felt almost despair as I learned Pitts had been murdered….despair that turned to me knowing, what my fate in life was, after all. My father called Robin away….I had wanted to speak with him…I felt weak…I did not have the energy to argue…to call out and say what I wanted……what I needed…..and then, he was gone….Robin had gone….left me…left his men without word of his destination. I feel for him…I felt his pain…his pain was my pain and I understood that he needed to be alone.

I was surprised to see him…but pleased….however as often was the case, the encounter did not go well….I let him slip through my fingers….I wanted him to fight for me…but all the fight from his body had gone…..he seemed empty somehow and I tried to cajole him to retaliate to fight for me…to have a plan…even half a plan….but there was nothing….we still did not say the words which lay unspoken between us of love…instead we said goodbye….he let me go…to Gisborne and then he walked out of my life…even when I called him back…he did not stop…he kept right on walking….away.

I love him and I never told him and now it is too late…..now he will never hear the words slip off my lips, words from my heart…This I will always regret…..I have him locked in my heart forever and that has to be enough…..enough for me to get through this life I am living….a life without him in it………


	33. Chapter 33

Thanks for your replies I will post my other stories after this one has ended.

Part 33

If someone had asked me I would have said that due to the lack of sleep I have had over the past two nights, tonight I would sleep like a baby…well perhaps not a baby….Who came up with a phrase like that?…If all babies sleep like Seth did, no one would ever get much sleep. However here I am, my men are sleeping as I should be doing….but no I am still awake. I would not want to relive the past few days again ever.

This time yesterday I would have imagined that by now I would be camping alone under the stars, heading back to the Holy Land…but now.…Now I am here in the forest instead. And unlike yesterday when all I wanted to do was cry, today all I can do is smile, what a difference a day makes…

I had almost left when I heard Much yelling and ringing the Locksley bell…despite it all I could count on him. My trusty servant. My loyal friend…..and Marian running out of the church…words can not describe the happiness I felt, which overflowed in my heart and gave me hope once more.

I smile when I think of her riding behind me, her arms around my waist, I could feel her breath tickling my neck and I rejoiced in it…for it meant she was with me…she had chosen not to marry Gisborne after all….

We parted, to get into Nottingham as a trio would have been difficult…it was only as I was riding away that I realised I could and that I should kiss her…that she would not slap my face or call me a fool…this time…..the feelings were mutual, this time was the right time, with the exception that we had an audience and I had to rescue Edward and the gang, which was a little more than pressing. I think Much rolled his eyes to heaven when I went back, when she met me…it was…. we met halfway…which is just as it should be. I cupped her neck and drew her closer and I bent down to brush my lips against hers mine….How I had longed for that moment…How I had longed for it to be a lingering moment….that did not matter….what mattered was that she was there with me and not with Gisborne. I do not know what the future holds for me…for Marian…for any of us…but I know one thing….I love her and I believe she loves me, after everything we have been through, I believe we were meant to be together……..after all.


	34. Chapter 34

Thank you all for reading and replying, I appreciate it very much. So with this post the story comes to it's end. I hope to post another story soon.

Part 34

I steeled, prepared myself to meet Guy at the alter and no matter how much I told myself that everything would be alright…that I was doing the right thing…deep in my heart I knew I was not. The ache in my side which had do nothing with nerves reminded me of that every time I moved…and now still pains me…jumping on the back of Robin's horse probably did not do it the world of good either…but there were things to do.

Who would have thought that Much would try to save the day?….His bravado makes me smile…there he was, his only mission it seemed to stop the wedding…he used everything he knew…first the Sheriff's plan…and now thinking about that, thinking about the fact that _he_, Gisborne lied to me about the King…about my father I know that he lied about Acre too. How could I have not believed Robin?…Except to think that Robin was jealous….his jealousy oozed from every part of his body…and yet my heart refused to believe that Guy could be so cruel….but he was…he is…that saddens me…but I am glad….glad that I did not become Lady Gisborne today.

I nearly caved when Much told the congregation that my heart lay elsewhere but somehow from the bottom of my being I raked up enough inner strength to say my heart belong there…and in a way it was not a lie. My heart does lie there, if I was referring to Locksley…to Robin. But when he uttered those three words I knew that I had made a mistake, I can still hear Much yelling 'He needs you'…..that was all I needed to hear…that was enough even though it did not come from the mouth of Robin….and put together with all the other things Much said…it was more than enough. I ball my hand into a fist, it is still sore from where I punched Guy…I wonder if his face is sore too….but right now I do not really care.

My heart was in my throat when I saw Robin ride into Locksley…he was there for me after all…when I thought he had let me go…he was there. To feel his waist, solid under my hands as we rode to Nottingham…I felt exhilarated from the freedom I had given myself…and I also felt hope….hope that there was more to my relationship with Robin than I had dared dream about for a very long time….

We parted to gain entry into the castle but then he called my name….Robin had not called my name that way for a very long time…since perhaps before he went to war. One look at him told me what he had come back for…it was a magical moment one which brought back memories of yore and held promise for the future. I do not know what tomorrow will bring but one thing I know is this…… Robin holds my life in his heart and I in his…..after all.

The End


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